It’s easy to blame others for your mistake. But deep inside you know you were wrong, when at the end of the day you try to sleep but whole bunch of thoughts disturb you and make you feel that things could have been different if you would have been less selfish, and a bit more sensitive.
As minutes and hours pass and there’s no sign of sleep but only memories of people you lost. And you realize the importance of them as their distance increases and now you feel that it’s too late to bring them back. You feel helpless, you wish you could turn the clock but there’s nothing you can do rather than feel sorry for yourself.
And you promise yourself that night, next morning you will be a different person altogether caring people more. Try not to lose yet another person, but the irony you can’t fight and next night you are again sleepless…
I found this beautiful girl in my life. It was Christmas and we had a school picnic as it was the last few months of school left. I never found this girl so amazing before that day. A friend of mine introduced to her after some formal chat she invited me to her family owned restaurant that evening. We found that we also shared same primary school; we talked about teachers, subjects and hell lot of things. As a teenager it’s obvious you feel some bonding. We exchanged numbers but felt shy to call each other for a long time. Finally after almost a month, before final exams we got farewell, she came and was in lehenga (traditional Indian dress) she was looking stunning. We talked for a while then she got busy with her friends. After a while she came to me suddenly and asked if I could give her a lift back home, and I was like ‘heaven. But the problem was that I came with 2 friends of mine, still she came with us we all stopped for ice-cream, she showed her house and finally goodnight.
Now we were often on phone, we could feel the pleasure of talking to each other and about each other. But exams were on head and we had to sacrifice this pleasure. Though I couldn’t resist I proposed her on Valentine’s Day through SMS. She was shocked and there was no reply for a while, I was sweating in mid Feb. She replied with some of the stone carved answer of girls.
1. You are a very good friend of mine, never thought of you like this.
2. You will find better girl then me.
3. I am not that good as you may be expecting.
So, I had to answer with those of boys…
1. I won’t find a better girl like you.
2. I promise to be loyal and keep you happy.
3. I know we are friends but I want a special place in your life, no one can share.
But believe me I really meant those. But however she said she needs time to think and we peacefully completed our exams while getting more close to her. We went out for lunch, movie, long drive every second day. And on 1 fine day she said yes, I never found this ‘yes’ so beautiful in my life. We were happy dating, chatting whole night and rest of the time thinking about each other. Time was flying and now was the time for college. She had her entrance exam for B.com (bachelors of commerce) so ‘coz of family pressure she couldn’t move out of her house. But we had to meet no matter what. So I went to her mom as a math’s teacher and was supposed to help her in her studies, as I was preparing for IIT entrance exam, so I could deal with her math’s portion. 2-3 hours a day we were together in her house and guess we studied too…
These 5-6 months were the happiest days of my life, neither she nor me could clear our respective entrance. But she managed to find a good commerce college and I found a descent engineering college. We had to depart now, as our distance was 800 kilometers. She was never in the favor of letting me join this college ‘coz of the distance, as if she could sense the coming havoc but career was important too. We cried like anything. Often I think was that a correct decision but you cannot fight with destiny, still people say we make our own. We talked on phone for hours, but as our schedules were tight we had to gradually reduce those long calls.
Things went smooth for almost a year; in between I came for her birthday, I still remember that surprised, blissful blend face of hers. We were so happy to see each other but this happiness dint stayed for long as I had to leave. But I found ways to meet her in every 2 or 3 months, as India is known for festivals and there holidays.
But after a year and a half things started changing for both of us. We started having small fights on phone; I often ignored her messages and call. I still search the reason why we I mean ‘I’ fought. The reason can be long distance insecurity, tight routine, busy schedule or combination of everything. Things happened, but we talked and decided that we won’t fight for small reasons. Things you say and things you do are very different and especially in our case. We try to see what we want to see, and we are ignorant of the factual happening. I thought things are fine now and carried with my routine. But dint realize that someone from my rude and selfish behavior is still hurt. And the status of our relationship crashed dramatically.
Now we had big fights, and it could be sensed that it was near to its end. And when you get this feeling you try to improve things by trying too hard. As she was going away from me I realized I needed her, her importance in my life was too high and wanted her back in my life. As I said you can’t change your fate. And exactly after 2 years and 2 months we broke.
And now after almost 4 years, writing this story around 3 in the morning. Still thinking that where I went wrong, and what could have been the auxiliary way. But you know, you cannot do anything how much you try, other than praying God to please give me that sleep which I used to have… Miss you Riya (name changed).
